Wallaby World Cup Squad

Australia's Squad for the World Cup provided few surprises, but Hayman's Beard managed to make some stuff up

Confusion reigned at the announcement of the Wallaby Squad for the World Cup, when Australian Rugby Union CEO John O’Neill accidentally read out the 1991 World Cup squad.

Many of the assembled players were dismayed to not hear their names being read out, with the Wallabies seemingly going to extremes with their “pick the oldest player still capable of running” policy.

“I didn’t even know Michael Lynagh was still alive” commented Matt Dunning after O’Neill had finished reading the team.

Concerned officials rushed the podium to explain the error to O’Neill, who angrily retreated backstage, where he could be heard yelling at other members of the ARU.

“Of course Campo should be in the bloody team, at least he can walk down a flight of stairs without injuring himself” he was heard to yell forcefully, before asking an unknown official whether John Eales was actually available.

The assembled media didn’t have to wait long before a red-faced O’Neill returned to the stage. Always a straight-shooter, the CEO didn’t mince words as he spoke about “a right-royal %*ck-up” and apologised for the confusion.

He was quickly passed an old electricity-bill envelope, which appeared to have the current squad written on it. After going through the names, O’Neill left the stage without answering questions.

Coach John Connelly was soon brought to the podium to respond to the media, and he was upbeat about the squad.

“The selectors feel that this is a squad capable of winning the World Cup. We’ve made great progress in recent months, culminating in wins over the All Blacks and South Africa.”

The question of captain was dealt with quickly, with Connolly announcing league commentator Peter Sterling would lead the squad, rather than George Gregan.

“Sterling has lead from the front during the Tri-Nations. He’s playing at his best, and we feel that his ability to draw on the TV screen after saying “if we freeze it there” might help us understand what the hell it is we’re trying to do”

Questions remain however on whether Gregan is capable of taking a backseat on the field. Well known for reducing referees to tears with well-timed barbs about their sexual performance, the 82-year old had been captain of the Wallabies since the late 50’s. Whether he can restrain himself and focus on his own game, which has come under-fire from the Australian media, remains to be seen.

One thing is certain. Despite a combined age of well over three million, and with a backline seemingly riddled with Osteogenesis imperfecta and other physical defects, the Wallabies are more than capable of winning the World Cup. You can never write them off.

Wallaby World Cup Squad:
Adam Ashley-Cooper, Berrick Barnes, Alistair Baxter, Mark Chisholm, Sam Cordingley, Matt Dunning, Rocky Elsom, Adam Freier, Mark Gerrard, Matt Giteau, George Gregan (vc), Sean Hardman, Stephen Hoiles, Greg Holmes, Julian Huxley, Stephen Larkham, Chris Latham, David Lyons, Hugh McMeniman, Drew Mitchell, Stephen Moore, Stirling Mortlock (c), Wycliff Palu, Nathan Sharpe, Guy Shepherdson, George Smith, Scott Staniforth, Lote Tuqiri, Dan Vickerman, Phil Waugh (vc)