Why we need Hayman's Beard
Since the dawn of time, mankind has been drawn to the symbolic power of various relics, using them as excuses for worship, unity, and conquest. From the Holy Grail and The Ark of the Covenant to great sporting trophies and national monuments, countless lives have been lost in the pursuit of that which these icons represent: power, belief, unity, excellence.
Whilst the Webb Ellis Cup is one such icon, it seems readily apparent that there is another such symbol which draws New Zealand together, another ideal behind which Kiwis can gather to take on the world.
I speak of course of Hayman's Beard.
When one looks at the truly great sporting legends, one theme stands out: that of incredible facial hair. The giants in their fields all distinguished themselves with wonderful statements of manliness by adorning themselves with that most masculine of features.
Cast your mind over these legends: David Boon. Terry Wright. Joe Stanley. Hulk Hogan. Merv Hughes. Chuck Norris. Uncle Jesse. Mark Greatbach. Thomas Magnum. ZZ Top.
One thing sets them apart from mere mortals.
And it is that element that is currently missing from the All Blacks.
Few things in this world send fear coursing through a man's veins, or make women weak at the knees, like Carl Hayman's wondrous beard.
An unkempt mass of steel wool, at it's zenith it nearly doubles the All Blacks pack weight, and is added to the Periodic Table of Elements (symbol Hb). During the Haka, The Beard actually heats up to over 10,000 degrees Celsius, and can be seen from space with the naked eye. The Beard is watched 24/7 by agents from the U.S. military, as it's considered a threat to American National Security, however individual agents can only last for a matter of days at a time before going insane from its awesomeness.
Contrary to popular belief, under Chuck Norris's beard isn't a fist: It's a tattoo of Hayman's Beard.
The simple fact is that if the All Blacks are to win the World Cup this year, they're going to need every advantage they can get. And that includes Hayman's Beard.
We at Hayman's Beard urge Carl to grow back The Beard. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up for what he believes in. For Carl Hayman this time is now. And the stand he must make is big and shaggy.
Grow The Beard Carl. Your country needs you.
6 comments:
Can I also point out, that The Beard greatly helps lowering our entire scrum! The weight of it gives the entire forward pack an even greator advantage over any skinny team we oppose.
There is much to be said for the haircuts of the AB's aswell. Mehrtens grew the chops, and one of them was clearly longer than the other, explaining his off centre kicking at goal at the time. Carlos and Carter have both utilised a small mohawk in order to line up their kicking. By twicking the front of it to the left or right, the direction of the kick was greatly helped.
Bring Back Beard
i'm all for this as long as the nemesis of good looking all black facial hair, Woodcock's Mo, is somehow kept in check.
I could never see Woodcock's mo as a nemesis of good looking all black facial hair... We all know HB is incredible and a sight to behold, however, Woodcock's mo adds some balance as well as some old school hard as nails attitude. think Richard Loe. I am worried however, the current stock of All Blacks are mostly in their twenties which is a main inhibitor of bristly growth... I'm thinking it should be compulsory for front row players to have an element of facial hair. i'd also love to see some mo/male pattern baldness combos in the halfback position. Leonard is in good position to possibly do a bit of a Sid Going.
go the ab's.
Your poster is awesome! But you forgot Carl Hayman as Hercules (Steve Reeves in the old black & white movies.) I mean they are practically identical! The connection may be only mystical, but personally I believe a)Steve Reeves is Carl Hayman's granddad or b) Carl Hayman is a clone of Steve Reeves. You pick!
I have sent an email to all blacks.com but feel we need the support of the wooorld behind us. I am suggesting a "Beard Cam", a glorious pictorial gallery of the great man demonstrating on a daily basis the progress of his Samson like talisman.
I suggest a daily picture, just as he's about to pack down at scrum practice?
Tim - Sydney chapter of the abs supporter club
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