WHY?

When being right sucks

Returning from our reconditioning program, looking forward to heading into the quarters and semis, we at Hayman's Beard felt better than ever.

And then we saw the All Blacks run out for the match against France. A disturbance in the Force rumbled through us, and we soon knew why.

The absence of The Beard demands an explanation. Words fail to express our outrage, our concern, our frustration and our disgust.

Once again the All Blacks choke at the World Cup. Unlike before though, we know exactly why.

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Join The Hayman's Beard World Cup Challenge!

Hayman's Beard have set up an official challenge over at Telecom Virtual Rugby, and we want to challenge you!

To register and take part in the competition, head over to Telecom Virtual Rugby and register! Go to "Mates" and select "Challenge" and then "Join a challenge".

The challenge name to search for is The Official Hayman's Beard World Cup Challenge, and the password to use is thebeard.

We're going to organise some cool prizes for the winners, so spread the word and take on the world with the Hayman's Beard Challenge.

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Wales 27 Argentina 20

Hayman's Beard had picked Argentina to win this one, and they were also our big hopes of the World Cup. No, they can't win it. But advancing as far as the semis had not seemed beyond them, and few results would be as good for the game worldwide. Wales have cast doubt on that with their win on Saturday, where the Argies played like utter bollox in the first half.
Wales were relatively clinical in their approach, a much improved performance from the English whipping of 2 weeks ago, yet against a Puma's side playing this badly you would expect little else.

It wasn't until the second half that Argentina started to play with some structure instead of helter-skelter football, and made a real contest of it.
Neither team look like serious World Cup challengers, and with Argentina especially having a gold opportunity to qualify second on their pool, both have a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.

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France 22 England 9

France proved what many of us have been saying all year: England are shithouse. A freakish win over a Welsh side who weren't even sure what game they were playing had provided a glimmer of hope for the World Champions, yet France took no notice of the increasing English bravado and outplayed England in every single aspect of the game.

Little positive can be said about England's prospects. Their forwards, impressive even against the hapless Welsh, and even against France last week, looked uncommitted and weak, whilst their backs were completely exposed as the add-on unit they've been coached to be. The French looked dangerous from the word go, reversing doubts expressed since the first test where they looked well contained despite the win.

This time England were lucky that the margin wasn't greater. This result puts in doubt England's ability to advance beyond the quarters, while France once again look like one of the frontrunners.

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Japanese World Cup Squad: Know them before you judge them

Former All Black John Kirwan has only been the Japanese national coach since January (although he was an adviser since October last year), which hasn't given him a lot of time to prepare.
Despite bringing knowledge of Japanese rugby from his days playing for the NEC club, he simply wasn't prepared for the cultural challenges facing him in coaching the national team.

"The fact of the matter is that there's been little development in the national side over the years, which is mainly because the players keep killing themselves" the former Italian coach told Hayman's Beard.

"When I turned up to my first training last year, as an adviser rather than as coach, I was surprised to find only the reserves from the weekend's game at the ground. When I asked where the rest of the team was, I was told they'd all committed Hari-Kari, also known as Seppuku, after losing to Fiji"

Seppuku is the ancient Samurai art of ritual suicide, used when a warrior has been defeated or captured. It allows a person to kill themself, whilst restoring their honour.

"I knew that the Japanese team were warriors, and part of the thrill of coaching them is to be able to harness the Samurai spirit, but I can't get it through to them that this is taking it too far" said Kirwan.

Having to replace the majority of your squad every week or so is a daunting task, so when Japan took their only win of the Pacific Nations Cup, beating Tonga in June, Kirwan, and the team, were overjoyed.

"It was great not to have to learn any new names for a couple of weeks."

Special agreement has been reaching with the World Cup squad, with the players agreeing not to commit ritual suicide after each game; rather, they'll wait till they're eliminated from the tournament.

"It's the only compromise I could get out of them. They don't seem to understand how much progress Japan could make if they'd just keep playing and learning"

Japan World Cup Squad:
Forwards: Ryo Yamamura, Masahito Yamamoto, Tomokazu Soma, Tatsukichi Nishiura, Yuji Matsubara, Mitsugu Yamamoto, Hitoshi Ono, Takanori Kumagae, Luatangi Samurai Vatuvei, Luke Thompson, Takuro Miuchi (Captain), Yasunori Watanabe, Hajime Kiso, Hare Makiri, Philip O’Reilly, Takamichi Sasaki
Backs: Yuki Yatomi, Tomoki Yoshida, Eiji Ando, Kousei Ono, Shotaro Onishi, Nataniela Oto, Yuta Imamura, Koji Taira, Bryce Robins, Daisuke Ohata, Hirotoki Onozawa, Kosuke Endo, Christian Loamanu, Go Aruga

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Ireland 42 Bayonne 6: O'Driscoll in doubt for WC

Irish rugby fans were drunker than usual today following the injury to captain Brian O'Driscoll during their World Cup warm-up match with French club side Bayonne.
Whilst the result was beyond doubt by half time when the Irish led 20-6, O'Driscoll was punched by Mikaera Tewhata soon after the break, and was taken to hospital with a suspected broken jaw. If the initial diagnosis is confirmed, his place in the team will be in doubt with the first game, against Namibia, only 23 days away.

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Exclusive: Tuqiri and Dunning assigned chaperone

Emperor John O'Neill is not a man to be trifled with. So when he slapped a curfew and alcohol ban on 17-yeard olds Lote Tuqiri and Matt Dunning, they were left with no doubts about the consequences should they step out of line.

However Hayman's Beard can reveal today that the ARU have taken a further step, and assigned the dynamic duo a full-time chaperone.
Supernanny Jo Frost has signed with the ARU to supervise Tuqiri and Dunning until the end of the World Cup. Whilst no official comment was made regarding the signing, ARU insiders said that they expect Supernanny to be a key figure in keeping the two miscreants in line.

"There's little doubt that Supernanny has had an immediate impact. Twice already she's had Dunning on the naughty step at training for spitting, and Tuqiri has had to endure several "that is not acceptable behaviour" episodes after he refused to give the ball to the other players"

Neither Dunning nor Tuqiri were speaking about having Supernanny assigned to chaperone them day and night. When approached by reporters after a closed training session in Sydney, both players put their hands on their ears and ran off to the team bus screaming "la la la la la la".
Nanny Frost followed them and could be seen admonishing them on the bus shortly after.

We'll be following this story throughout the World Cup, as no doubt the biggest impact for the 2 players will be felt when they reach France, and they realise what a midnight curfew and booze-ban does to their social lives.

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Somerville's back: Better....stronger...faster...

After struggling through nearly a year of rehab for an achilles injury, All Black prop Greg Somerville was itching to play rugby again, and maybe, just maybe, work his way back into the black jersey. An accidental poke to the eye put paid to that, tearing his retina.

Yet when the selectors named their squad to take to the World Cup, a place was left blank for Somerville. He was given the chance he needed to prove his fitness, but just when things were going well, the eye injury brought the whole thing to a halt.

In a desperate attempt to prove he was fully fit, he began talks with leading surgeons from Europe, as well as robotic experts from Japan. Flying to Germany for the procedure, Somerville's left eye was removed and replaced with a bionic optical unit. It was only the third time the operation had been attempted, and in an effort to reduce recovery time the procedure was conducted without anesthetic.

Flying home the next day, Somerville, still bandaged, spoke of the risks he was taking.
"I spose it could have gone worse. Seems ok now, a little bit sore. No major."

When the bandages were removed 3 days later, doctors were amazed.
"He had perfect vision immediately. Other than some swelling around where the implant is fused to the skull, the operation is a complete success" said Doctor Weiner Schnitzelson, the German surgeon who performed the operation.

IRB rules meant that some of the advances features of the implant had to be removed, such as the Infra-Red and X-Ray options, as well as the laser cutting beam.

Regardless, Somerville was rewarded with confirmed inclusion in the squad that will travel to France. Whilst he says that some of his teammates have been giving him some stick over the eye, it doesn't worry him.
"I'm just happy to be playing again, even if I do make babies cry...more."

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Facial Hair of The Week: Carl Hayman's Twin

Holy deja vu Beardman!

A loyal reader, Dean Purcell, sent us through a pic of this week's Facial Hair of The Week. Certainly we were taken aback by the resemblance of Lyle Alzado to the great man himself, down to The Beard.

Further investigation unearthed some further surprising facts. Alzado was an NFL player who played for the Denver Broncos, Cleveland Browns, and LA Raiders throughout the 70's and 80's.

He was known for his intimidating style, and amassed various records and accolades as a Defensive End throughout his career, culminating in a Superbowl win in 1983 with the Raiders.

Later in life he admitted to steroid use which tainted his otherwise excellent career, and he died of brain cancer at the age of 43.

There are several analysts at Hayman's Beard who promote the theory that The Beard is some kind of symbiotic creature which bonds with those deemed worthy of greatness. Could The Beard of Hayman be a continuation of The Beard of Alzado? Unlikely, but stranger things have happened...

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France 12 England 15

Hayman's Beard made fun of England after their effort against Wales last week. Not because of their huge win over the hapless Welsh, but because of the manner of their victory. 10-man rugby is back, and doesn't it just make you want to kill yourself.
No one could accuse Hayman's Beard of not embracing the glorious battle of the forwards, of not understanding and respecting the intricacies of the scrum, the ruck, the maul. The Bearded One is himself a Master of this very art, and nothing is more pleasing to the eye than to see an All Black forward pack treating the opposition like the ginger kid from primary school.

But there is of course a key difference between the forward play of the All Blacks...or indeed the Springboks, the Pumas, or France.

And that is the understanding that the forwards operate as part of a unit. They are an element of a larger beast, a machine designed to dominate in all areas and win in commanding fashion.

As it stands, England have scurried back to their oft-lampooned style of old. The 10-man game is well and truly alive in international rugby.

Whilst Hayman's Beard would like nothing better than to see Sir Clive Woodward embarrassed publicly by the publication of secret photos of him doing something nasty with a goat, we also respect the fact that he understood the game, and at least had a desire to embrace a 15 man style.

Like most teams around the world, he strived to use the traditional English strength of powerful forward play as a foundation, a basis which gave a team options. No one would expect England to turn from their natural style of play, which demands forward dominance as a goal above all others.

However it seems that Brian Ashton and the others controlling the World Champions have panicked as the date when they will undoubtedly lose their crown approaches.

And when panic sets in, people naturally turn to the tried and true methods.

The match against France was, to be frank, boring as hell. Whilst the forward battle raged, English attempts at backline action were conducted with the same enthusiasm and belief as American attempts at diplomacy in Iraq.

England have signalled the retreat, and established His Majesty Jonny Wilkinson as the front line.

"Thou shall not send thine ball beyond His Majesty's divine boot, lest thy come undone through weak tackling and poor execution in thine midfield"

With Wilkinson being rested, many would have expected replacement Ronnie Barker to try everything to stamp his mark on the spot. There's little doubt that only death will keep Wilkinson from an English WC squad, so there would be little to lose in unleashing the English backs upon the French. You'd certainly enjoy the element of surprise, although that may work both ways...no doubt the wingers would question why they'd suddenly been given the ball. But Ronnie kept to the gameplan, and England attempted to steamroll the French as they did Wales a week ago. That it didn't work is testament to the effort of the French forwards, as there's no doubt England's pack is performing very well at present.

The frustration of not seeing their hard work pay-off seemed to tell on the World Champions, who weren't prepared for Sebastian Chabal's busting run to win the game.

With no time left to change the gameplan, it seems that the old England is well and truly alive, and coming to a TV near you.

How well will the old-school approach work at the World Cup remains to be seen, but for the health of the game we can only hope it fails miserably.

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Wallabies begin to implode?

After a season that defied most pundit's expectations, off-field incidents and tension between coaches and management threaten to distract the Machperson Intimates Wallabies from their World Cup mission.

Not a week goes by without new allegations of ructions within the camp, or a new incident involving Wallaby players boozing into the night.

The latest issue surrounds the reaction of Wallabies Matt Dunning and Lote Tuqiri to the coverage of their involvement in an assault on a 52 year-old taxi driver.

Whilst a Gold Coast man has been charged by police, and there is no longer the suggestion that Tuqiri or Dunning were involved, both players were adamant that there shouldn't be an issue with their behaviour.

"What do they want to discipline me for? I'm flabbergasted - do I have to be Cinderella and be home by 12 o'clock?" said Dunning a day after the incident.

It's this attitude which has Australian Rugby Emperor John O'Neill livid.

The general feeling amongst the ARU hierarchy, and many members of the media, is that after a long period where off-field incidents have distracted the public from the mediocre results on the field, the Wallabies "need to be doing it better and cleaner than the other guy".

In isolation, perhaps there isn't anything wrong with Dunning and Tuqiri staying out till 5am drinking and partying. However when viewed as part of a team culture, it perhaps becomes less innocuous.

Despite their believe that they're regular guys who should be allowed to blow off steam like every other 20-something, the media, the fans, and indeed their employers hold them to a higher standard.

It's part of the reason they get paid a hell of a lot more than regular 20-somethings.

And it does nothing to ease tensions between the ARU and John Connelly's coaching team when Connelly supports the assertion that his players did nothing wrong.

This despite his advice several weeks ago in his Sydney Morning Herald column:
"By observing the 'Cinderella hour' … players would significantly reduce their chances of being caught up in off-field troubles."

It's an open secret that Connelly and Emperor John don't get along. However the beauty of dealing with O'Neill is that there can rarely be a misunderstanding when it comes to his expectations.

His expectations regarding team conduct were made clear upon his return to the throne earlier in the year. Some of his first comments were around cleaning up the off-field issues that had plagued the squad, leading to suspensions and fines.

No team is immune from it's players making mistakes; witness half-a-dozen All Blacks being fined by management for being out beyond a gentleman's-agreed curfew.
However an isolated incident can be put into perspective, and when it's the same players continually engaging in activity which can be viewed negatively, a pattern becomes apparent.

Do the Wallabies have a binge-drinking culture? Given that most incidents seem to involve the same few players, it seems unlikely. Sources suggest that senior team members are as frustrated as Emperor John with the behaviour of some team members, and that this may contribute to the Wallaby World Cup expedition being declared "booze-free", along with strict curfews being put in place.

When you look back over the past year, you see a team surrounded by issues; Coaches who don't get on, an ARU regime where infighting and politics dominate, players who spend more time in the news for drinking than for winning games...the list goes on.

It certainly puts the leadership at the NZRFU, and conduct of our top players into perspective.

The expectations of an entire nation no doubt do their part in keeping players in line, as does the thought of doing The Jersey a disservice, but it also helps to recall that The 3 Wise Men have spoken on several occasions about their goal to develop the All Blacks beyond The Game.

They have taken the time to ensure that the All Blacks are young men who have the skills to contribute to society, to understand the privileged position they have been granted, and to respect the boundaries it places upon them.

It would seem that the Wallabies lack the sense of perspective needed to understand just how lucky they are.

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Wallaby players brawl in public, injure taxi driver

Shocking news is coming out of Australia tonight which suggests that 2 members of the Macpherson Intimates Wallabies World Cup squad were involved in a fight in downtown Brisbane overnight. Lote Tuqiri and Matt Dunning were spotted exchanging blows inside the team's hotel, with Dunning apparently running through the hallways yelling "Don't make me run, I am full of chocolate".

Sources reveal that Tuqiri had argued with other players at a nightclub earlier, when they reportedly told him he shouldn't drink any more. It is believed that he was still agitated when the team returned to the hotel. A taxi driver was taken to hospital soon after, with witnesses claiming he was king-hit by a member of the Wallaby squad.

"The driver had jokingly tried to sell Lote some cocaine, after referring to him as Wendell for the entire trip back to the hotel" said one witness who wishes to remain anonymous. Whether this resulted in the punch being thrown is unknown at this time, as is the identity of the person who assaulted him.

Tuqiri reportedly proceeded to his room, which he was sharing with Dunning, only to find that both Toblerones were gone, as well as the Kit Kat and small packet of chips. Insiders say it was then that the giant winger began to chase the front-rower throughout the hotel, landing blows when he could.

Wallaby management deny that any players were involved in the assault on the taxi driver, although they were willing to concede that "Dunning did indeed appear to be full of chocolate"

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French Coach suggests All Blacks responsible for September 11 attacks

In yet another attack on New Zealand rugby, French Coach Bernard Laporte has told French sporting daily “Le’effluent” that he’s concerned that the All Blacks weren’t investigated after the attacks which destroyed the World Trade Centre building in New York 6 years ago.

“We know that the Taliban, the Iraqis, Al Qaeda….these groups were all looked into after the attacks. But the fact is that the All Blacks weren’t even mentioned. This tells me that they could well have gotten away with it”

Whilst All Black coaching staff laughed off the suggestion, sources suggest that behind closed doors the 3-Wise-Men are becoming increasingly irritated with Laporte’s outlandish claims about New Zealand rugby.

In the past Laporte has suggested that New Zealand rugby players are on performance enhancing drugs “cause they can”, as well as alluding to Richie McCaw’s involvement in the assassination of President Kennedy, despite this taking place 17 years before McCaw was born.

It’s believed that his obsession with baiting the All Blacks stems from the fact that they keep beating his side by large margins, even at home.

Insiders reveal that his behaviour has grown increasingly unusual in the last 12 months; he has taken to spitting on the ground every time someone says “All Blacks”, and he also blames NZ Coach Graham Henry for killing his father in some kind of duel, and has sworn revenge. Rumours suggest he even has an elaborate speech prepared for when they next meet, but some sources contest that it’s just the one from The Princess Bride with the names changed.

The irony of course is that Laporte becomes the French Minister for Sport after this year’s world cup. His suggestions of a lax stance against drugs in sport in the Southern Hemisphere will be sharply drawn into focus as he tackles the issue of the Tour de France, a race where the entry criteria include at least 2 positive drug tests.

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World Cup Injury Roundup

With the World Cup now only a month away, we take a brief look at who’s injured, who’s out, and who’s in, the various World Cup Squads, and make fun of other teams where we can.

All Blacks:
There’s an open space in the All Blacks squad for the World Cup, and it belongs to either Greg Sommerville or John Schwalger.
Sommerville was on the comeback trail from a ruptured achilles tendon when he suffered a torn retina after being accidentally poked in the eye. An operation to repair his eye went well, but he, Schwalger and the All Black selectors are still playing the waiting game.

Wales:
Gavin Henson was ruled out of the World Cup with an achilles injury, reportedly suffered during a particularly rough pedicure. Welsh hopes (their thrashing by England not withstanding) were somewhat lifted however when inspirational captain Stephen Jones was confirmed as being available by the time the tournament starts. Tom Jones is on standby, something which Welsh coach Gavin Jenkins described as “not unusual”.

Australia:
Flanker David Lyons continues to recover from the unusual treatment undergone for a blood clot in his calf in an attempt to make the World Cup. Doctors attempted to break down the clot with techniques normally used on cardiac patients. Lyons is hoping that this will mean he can avoid the normal 6-month layoff for this type of injury.
Chris Latham continues to improve after his return from ACL explosion. He played 20 minutes against the All Blacks in the Eden Park test, and although he’s experienced a few minor niggles in other areas since then, nothing has ruled him out at this stage.
Hayman’s Beard has money bet that he’ll snap his spine reaching for the marmite a week or so out from the first game, the poor bastard.

South Africa:
The Springboks have replaced Pierre Spies van der Westhuizen with Bismark du Pleissis van der Westhuizen in their World Cup squad, after the loose forward was ruled out with a blood clot on the lungs. Rumours of arguments between incumbent captain John Smit van der Westhuizen and surprise inclusion Nelson Mandela continue to surface, with no comment so far from the SA union.
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A call to all New Zealanders: Beards for World Cup Support

The time has come for all New Zealanders to show their support for the All Blacks as they enter the final stages of their World Cup build-up.

Hayman's Beard, the group calling on All Black prop Carl Hayman to grow back his beard, have now made a call for national unity, urging all kiwis to grow beards between now and the World Cup to show their support.
"Whilst our main focus is of course on the return of The Beard of Hayman, we also feel that the time is right to begin a national campaign to support the team as they head towards the World Cup" said a Hayman's Beard spokesperson.

"We are calling on all New Zealanders to abstain from shaving from now until the end of the All Blacks World Cup campaign, which we of course hope will end with victory in the final on October 20th"

With coverage of the campaign beginning to grow, Hayman's Beard is confident the people of New Zealand will get behind their efforts.

"Look at the Red Socks campaign during the Americas Cup. New Zealanders are incredibly passionate about their sporting teams, and we're sure that this will be no different"
"They key is for everyone to cease shaving immediately, so that the country can present a hairy front as a sign of our loyalty and support"

Join the campaign! Post below your intention to Beard Up in support of The All Blacks, and to convince Carl that The Beard must return.

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England bulldoze Wales, abandon team after game

The English forwards put on an impressive display of power rugby in crushing a Welsh side missing many top-line players on Sunday morning (NZT) to take a huge psychological boost ahead of 2 tests against France.

With Twickenham filled to capacity, the World Champions scored 9 tries in beating Wales 62-5, with No8 Nicholas Easter scoring 4.

The crowd appeared to relish the experience of an English team once again playing well, with a special cheer saved for the return of Lawrence Dallaglio off the bench.

The English enforcer looked fit and enthusiastic, belying his 79 years, in continuing the English tactic of rolling over the top of the Welsh pack, who appeared shell-shocked for the full 80 minutes.

The positional kicking of 13 year-old Johnny Wilkinson complimented their forward tactics perfectly, as did his goal kicking, nailing 7 from 9.

Despite the triumph, there were some embarrassed faces in the English camp the next day when it was revealed that several English players were left at Twickenham when the team bus left for the hotel after the game.

Reports indicate that once the forward pack had boarded the bus, team management waited for half-back Shaun Perry and Prophet Johnny Wilkinson before giving the go-ahead to the driver.
This left Mark Cueto, David Strettle, Dan Hipkiss, Andy Farrell and Jason Robinson all stranded at the stadium. After about an hour of confusion, the group all ended up sleeping on benches in the changing room.

At next morning’s recovery session, a photographer asked Head Coach Brian Ashton where the backline was. When Ashton pointed at Wilkinson, the photographer then asked about the rest of the backs.

A quick meeting between the coaching staff, including a head-count, soon revealed the error, and several urgent phonecalls were made. A bus was eventually dispatched back to Twickenham to pick up the missing players.

Asked about the incident later, Ashton was understandably coy about the real reasons for forgetting his backline.
“We had a problem with the headcount is all, and unfortunately we forgot some players. It shouldn’t happen again.”

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THE BEARD IS BACK

Take a moment to reflect, New Zealand. You have spoken, and the big man has answered.

The Beard is Back

Speaking after the win over Australia last week, Carl revealed that he knew about our campaign, and that he could recognise that "the people have spoken."

The wishes of a nation were partly answered on that cold, wet Auckland night, as Carl ran into battle with what could have been the beginning of The Beard.

But would it last? Was it simply an oversight? A lack of time before kick off which resulted in this growth?

It seems not. The Beard is indeed on its way back.

Words cannot describe the joy that is filling the hearts of New Zealand rugby fans as they realise that the All Blacks are once again armed with The Beard of Hayman.

With plenty of time before the World Cup for it to reach maximum power, we shudder to think of the carnage that awaits opposition teams in October.

Hayman's Beard analysts put the growth level post-Eden Park test at a little under 25,000 Bristlewatts, the scientific measure of a beard's power. Projections indicate that The Beard could reach its previous record of 65,000 BW in time for the pool games in September.

We at Hayman's Beard would like to thank each and every one of you for your support, and for getting behind the All Blacks.

And of course our thanks go out to the big man for recognising the importance of The Beard, and for doing the right thing.

With renewed energy and enthusiasm we now refocus our efforts on getting every man, woman and child who supports the All Blacks to grow a beard, to show that they're behind the Men in Black.

We've already shown what people power can do; Imagine our power when we all have great shaggy beards.

The possibilities are endless.
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Top 10 Bearded Movie Characters

A lively debated erupted at Hayman Towers the other day. We were discussing our favourite movies; always a contentious subject as it is. But throw in the question of favourite bearded movie characters, and things soon escalate.

Several members of the team are still being treated for minor injuries, and one of our analysts is still recovering from surgery. It was one of the hairiest fights I’ve witnessed since the campaign started (pun intended).

Eventually we settled on our top 10 favourite bearded movie characters. It wasn’t an easy exercise, and once we had our top 10 we wisely avoided any attempt to rank them further.

So here they are, in no particular order: Hayman’s Beard’s Top 10 Favourite Bearded Movie Characters.

Jules Winnfield – Pulp Fiction
The very definition of cool, Jules used his beard to intimidate and enforce, much like Hayman himself. The difference of course is that the big man is the strong, silent type…although wouldn’t it be cool to hear “and I shall strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger” coming from the front row just before the ref yells “engage”?

Gandalf – The Lord of The Rings
Filmed locally of course, and that alone means that the beard power is pretty intense. You can go on about how it was the innocence of Frodo that made it possible to destroy the ring and defeat the bad guys, but they wouldn’t have gotten far without a kick-ass wizard with a huge white beard. In fact wizards without beards are probably illegal. And if they aren’t, they should be.

Pai Mei – Kill Bill
Speaking of huge white beards, you can’t go past the old Kung Fu master when it comes to harnessing the power of the beard. The guy takes out people’s eyes. With his beard. Ok, that might not be 100% accurate, but you can’t deny that he takes it past the Bruce Lee level with the help of that mighty chin decoration.

John Patrick Mason – The Rock
One of the most contentious choices was which Sean Connery character to include in the list. This is the man who sports a beard cause he likes it, not just because the character calls for it. The early running went with Henry Jones, Indiana’s father, but it was decided that he just didn’t kick enough ass. But as Mason in epic action flick The Rock, he takes out a platoon of rogue marines on Alcatraz, despite having been in prison for 30 years. And his beard at the start, before the trim, is outstanding.

King Leonidas – 300
It may not bee 100% accurate, but the beard factor in 300 more than makes up for it. When you consider that this guy actually existed, and actually had a beard (probably), it’s an impressive story. His passion and courage are echoed 2,500 years later in The Beard of Hayman and the rest of the All Blacks. We look forward to our scrum doing the same thing to the opposition as the Spartans did to the Persians.

Captain Jack Sparrow – Pirates of the Caribbean
We were threatened with all sorts of things by the women at Hayman Towers if we didn’t include Captain Jack. Their passion for his beard was immense, although we suspect we may have misunderstood their enthusiasm. Either way, he’s a great character, and his beard is certainly one of the most creative ones on our list.

Hans Gruber – Die Hard
Probably the coolest bad guy ever, Hans Gruber made Bruce Willis’s life hell in Nakatomi Tower. Oozing power and arrogance, his beard gave him the intelligence required to pull off a heist on a scale never seen before. In the original version he kills Bruce and takes off with the money alone, the only one of his team to survive. That was before Bruce demanded the ending be changed, resulting in the highly unlikely scenario of the clean shaven hero beating the bearded villain.
Pffft, as if.

Jack Torrance – The Shining
What a psycho. It’s always tragic when a beard is used for evil, as it does make things hard for the good guys. In this case though it does provide us with a classic performance, with the insanity amplified by the hairy growth sported by Jack.

Obi Wan Kenobi - Star Wars (both of them)
Alec Guinness gives a faultlessly hairy performance in the original film as Obi Wan Kenobi, one of the few Jedi to survive the slaughter by the Sith. And how did he survive? Cause he had a beard. When George Lucas decided to prove those who said he couldn’t write dialogue right by making the prequels, Ewen McGregor stepped into the young Kenobi’s robes, and by the third film, was sporting a wonderful chin-warmer that gave him a certain air of authority, and no doubt made his Jedi vow of celibacy much harder to keep.

Clubber Lang – Rocky II
What more can we say?

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Hayman's Beard on TV3's Sports Tonight

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International Beard Power: Fear The Beard

The power of The Beard is recognised around the world, and nowhere more than in California.


The gentlemen at http://www.fearthebeard.org/ have a wonderful site dedicated to their support of NBA side The Golden State Warriors, as well as their love of the whole East Bay area. They've united their people behind The Beard, and after we contacted them to express our admiration, they were kind enough to post about us. So we'd also like to acknowledge our Bearded Brothers from across the Pacific. We've suggested the ABs play their local side from the University of California, but the NZRFU have yet to respond for some strange reason.
We appreciate their support, and their appreciation of The Beard.

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Wallaby World Cup Squad

Australia's Squad for the World Cup provided few surprises, but Hayman's Beard managed to make some stuff up

Confusion reigned at the announcement of the Wallaby Squad for the World Cup, when Australian Rugby Union CEO John O’Neill accidentally read out the 1991 World Cup squad.

Many of the assembled players were dismayed to not hear their names being read out, with the Wallabies seemingly going to extremes with their “pick the oldest player still capable of running” policy.

“I didn’t even know Michael Lynagh was still alive” commented Matt Dunning after O’Neill had finished reading the team.

Concerned officials rushed the podium to explain the error to O’Neill, who angrily retreated backstage, where he could be heard yelling at other members of the ARU.

“Of course Campo should be in the bloody team, at least he can walk down a flight of stairs without injuring himself” he was heard to yell forcefully, before asking an unknown official whether John Eales was actually available.

The assembled media didn’t have to wait long before a red-faced O’Neill returned to the stage. Always a straight-shooter, the CEO didn’t mince words as he spoke about “a right-royal %*ck-up” and apologised for the confusion.

He was quickly passed an old electricity-bill envelope, which appeared to have the current squad written on it. After going through the names, O’Neill left the stage without answering questions.

Coach John Connelly was soon brought to the podium to respond to the media, and he was upbeat about the squad.

“The selectors feel that this is a squad capable of winning the World Cup. We’ve made great progress in recent months, culminating in wins over the All Blacks and South Africa.”

The question of captain was dealt with quickly, with Connolly announcing league commentator Peter Sterling would lead the squad, rather than George Gregan.

“Sterling has lead from the front during the Tri-Nations. He’s playing at his best, and we feel that his ability to draw on the TV screen after saying “if we freeze it there” might help us understand what the hell it is we’re trying to do”

Questions remain however on whether Gregan is capable of taking a backseat on the field. Well known for reducing referees to tears with well-timed barbs about their sexual performance, the 82-year old had been captain of the Wallabies since the late 50’s. Whether he can restrain himself and focus on his own game, which has come under-fire from the Australian media, remains to be seen.

One thing is certain. Despite a combined age of well over three million, and with a backline seemingly riddled with Osteogenesis imperfecta and other physical defects, the Wallabies are more than capable of winning the World Cup. You can never write them off.

Wallaby World Cup Squad:
Adam Ashley-Cooper, Berrick Barnes, Alistair Baxter, Mark Chisholm, Sam Cordingley, Matt Dunning, Rocky Elsom, Adam Freier, Mark Gerrard, Matt Giteau, George Gregan (vc), Sean Hardman, Stephen Hoiles, Greg Holmes, Julian Huxley, Stephen Larkham, Chris Latham, David Lyons, Hugh McMeniman, Drew Mitchell, Stephen Moore, Stirling Mortlock (c), Wycliff Palu, Nathan Sharpe, Guy Shepherdson, George Smith, Scott Staniforth, Lote Tuqiri, Dan Vickerman, Phil Waugh (vc)

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Springbok World Cup Squad

We take a look at the South African World Cup Squad, including 2 shock inclusions the selectors didn't know about (again)

When Jake White named his World Cup squad, he had 2 main aims:
1) Announce a squad of players capable of winning the world cup
2) Claim a new world record for most number of van der Westhuizen’s in a single team

Amazingly, he has managed to accomplish both.

There can be no doubt that the Springboks are capable of winning the world cup. They have set their sights high, with a stated aim of going through the pool games undefeated by using only drop-goals to score.

Their recent defeats to Australia and the All Blacks however reveal a concerning lack of depth and facial hair. The Springboks also appear to be unable to adjust their gameplan should it prove ineffective, and it’s this lack of nouse which many suspect will be their undoing.

Looking at their squad is an interesting exercise, as you find a group of solid, world-class players. However if picking a world XV, how many South Africans would be chosen ahead of All Blacks, or others? Hayman’s Beard believes 2 at most, and it is that lack of truly world-beating stars which will be their downfall.

Once again controversy has marred the squad selection though, with SARFU President Oregan Hoskins again slipping in 2 players of his own picking without consulting Coach Jake White or the other Springbok selectors.

In adding Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu to the squad, Hoskins has attempted to increase the number of black players in the World Cup team, whilst also trying to bolster cover at fullback, centre and wing.

“Nelson is a quality player of great experience. Defensively he’s unequalled, and his great positional kicking game means he can cover any of the back 3 positions should injuries occur. And with Desmond we now have the kind of explosive power that can win matches. Coming off the bench The Bish’ as he’s known, gives us serious impact” commented Hoskins.

White was confused as hell at the announcement, but later refused to criticise the selections. He also refused to comment on rumours that Mandela had demanded the captaincy, and had locked himself in the team bus until his demands were met.

Springbok World Cup Squad:
Bakkies Botha van der Westhuizen, BJ Botha van der Westhuizen, Gary Botha van der Westhuizen, Schalk Burger van der Westhuizen, Jean De Villiers van der Westhuizen, Fourie Du Preez van der Westhuizen, Os Du Randt van der Westhuizen, Jaque Fourie van der Westhuizen, Bryan Habana, Butch James van der Westhuizen, Ricky Januarie van der Westhuizen, Victor Matfield van der Westhuizen, Percy Montgomery, Johann Muller van der Westhuizen, Akona Ndungane van der Westhuizen, Wynand Olivier van der Westhuizen, Ruan Pienaar van der Westhuizen, JP Pietersen van der Westhuizen, Andre Pretorius van der Westhuizen, Danie Rossouw van der Westhuizen, Bob Skinstad van der Westhuizen, Pierre Spies van der Westhuizen, John Smit van der Westhuizen (Captain), Juan Smith van der Westhuizen, Gurthro Steenkamp van der Westhuizen, Francois Steyn van der Westhuizen, Albert Van Den Berg van der Westhuizen, Wikus Van Heerden van der Westhuizen, CJ Van Der Linde van der Westhuizen, Ashwin Willemse van der Westhuizen, Nelson Mandela, Archbishop Desmond Tutu

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All Black Squad

Hayman's Beard casts a hairy eye over the All Black's World Cup Squad

Like most pundits, Hayman’s Beard was surprised to see Piri Weepu omitted from the All Black squad. It seems obvious that form wasn’t the only factor involved, otherwise he wouldn’t have been the only change.

We’re not convinced that picking Andrew Ellis was a good move, in fact it seems like a waste of a spot. He lacks the big game experience of others in the squad, and if you then accept that this makes him unlikely to figure in the sudden-death games, then why take him away? The argument about injury cover doesn’t stack up, as they are allowed to replace squad members under certain circumstances. So the Ellis choice is an odd one.

Otherwise pretty standard really. Whilst we’re a fan of Troy Flavell since his return from Japan, his exclusion does mean one less worry come finals time: that of Troy stabbing opposing player’s moments before fulltime in front of our own posts. His discipline in the past year has been much improved, but a fear remained that he could snap under pressure from opposition teams intent on niggling him. Rumours that he carries a gun onto the field are of course nonsense, but to lose a game due to Troy suicide bombing a maul would be a nightmare.

Ali Williams' inclusion now that he’s able to chew again is a welcome sight given our lineout woes at present. It remains our Achilles heel, and as we saw in the Bledisloe Cup game, it can be exploited.

Otherwise the forwards represent the pinnacle of the world game in our opinion, Victor Matfield not withstanding. Their ability around the park is beyond that of any other team in world rugby, and Hayman’s Beard was delighted to see the forward work put in at Eden Park last week. We all love watching Carter set the backline alight, with McAlister feeding the back three at speed to score another great try, but there is something amazingly satisfying in seeing a forward pack physically dominate their opponents. To see them driving through at ruck time, with pick-and-go play bulldozing through the defensive line, brings a smile to the face of all true rugby fans.
Sione Lauaki’s addition to the squad bolsters this style of play greatly, as well as spreading fear through other teams. Looking up after fielding a bomb to see Lauaki and Collins coming for you would be enough to make most fullbacks soil themselves.

Without a doubt, we have a squad capable of winning the World Cup. The Return of The Beard is the final piece of the puzzle of course, but from a talent point of view at least we can be confident of success come October.

All Black Squad:
Dan Carter, Jerry Collins, Andrew Ellis, Nick Evans, Carl Hayman, Andrew Hore, Doug Howlett, Chris Jack,Byron Kelleher, Sione Lauaki, Brendon Leonard, Luke McAlister, Richie McCaw (Captain), Leon MacDonald, Chris Masoe, Aaron Mauger, Keven Mealamu, Malili Muliaina, Anton Oliver, Keith Robinson,Josevata Rokocoko, Sitiveni Sivivatu, Conrad Smith, Rodney So’oialo, Reuben Thorne, Neemia Tialata, Isaia Toeava, Ali Williams, Tony Woodcock

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Former All Black joins the crusade, grows a beard

That's right, former All Blacks are now rallying to our hairy cause!

A good friend of Hayman's Beard called the other day to report some exciting news. His job as an account manager for an insurance company means that he spends most of his time playing golf, and one of his customers bought along former All Black Bernie McCahill for a round.

Bernie appeared slightly more imposing and manly than usual (if that's even possible), and it was soon noticed that he was sporting the initial stages of what will no doubt become a very fine beard.

When enquiring minds asked about the growth, Bernie revealed that he was growing a beard to support the All Blacks on their quest for the World Cup.

We at Hayman's Beard are honoured to have you join our cause Bernie, and no doubt your Black-shirted bretheren feel the same.

Nice work Bernie, and we look forward to some pics once the beard gets a little further along.

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Facial Hair of The Week: Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol is a Spanish basketballer, currently playing for the Memphis Grizzlies (how appropriate). Considered one of the top European basketballers ever, winning the NBA Rookie of the year in 2002.

And look at that Beard, a true classic. There's little doubt that his success in the NBA can be attributed to his shaggy look. It's helped him develop his own cult following in the U.S., and long may it continue.

Pau Gasol, Hayman's Beard salutes you.

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Victory, and The Return of The Beard?

The All Blacks secured the Bledisloe and Tri-Nations trophies tonight with a 26-12 win over the Macpherson Intimates Wallabies in Auckland.

Despite a slow start, the All Blacks kept their foot on the gas in the second half to increase the pressure, eventually allowing Tony Woodcock to cross in the corner for the games only try in the 60th minute.

Dan Carter returned to goal-kicking form, landing 7 of 8 attempts, and his field kicking was excellent all night.

Despite continuing lineout issues in the first half, the All Blacks always had the match of the Wallabies, the forward dominance increasing as the game wore on.

The most pleasing aspect of course was the first signs of what could be The Return of The Beard.
The big man certainly hadn't seen a razor for a while, and we here at Hayman's Beard were very impressed.

Whether this signals a fulltime return of the most devastating icon in sports remains to be seen, and we shall be implementing a Beard Threat Meter on the site so we can keep track of its progress as we head towards the World Cup.

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Hayman's Beard in the media

Since we went public last week, we've been rushed off our feet. The support from the public has been great, but we've also been happy to see the media get in behind our campaign.

We've had Hayman's Beard featured on:

• Radio Sport
• Newstalk ZB
• ZM
• Classic Hits
• George FM
• Radio Live

We've also been featured on www.rugbyheaven.co.nz, www.stuff.co.nz, www.thesilverfern.co.nz, www.sportsfreak.co.nz, amongst others.

We'll be appearing on Alt TV's Sports show this Monday at 8pm, so tune in to show your support!

We were also impressed to see a sporting editorial in the NZ Herald. You can read it here

Keep your eyes and ears open as Hayman's Beard continues to drum up support worldwide!

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Exclusive: New Jersey, New Naming Sponsor for Wallabies

Tonight Hayman's Beard can exclusively reveal that the ARU has parted with longtime naming sponsor Qantas after signing a new deal with apparel company Bendon.

Since unveiling their new support-bra jersey several weeks ago, the Qantas Wallabies have come under increasing pressure to revert to a more traditional kit.

However leading Wallabies have praised the new jersey.

"I was immediately impressed with the level of cushioned comfort. The double-layer moulded cups give a smooth seamless profile & maximum support" commented prop Matt Dunning, while Matt Giteau said "the slimline side bones under the arms reduce chafing."

The future of the new jersey is secure with the announcement that the former Qantas Wallabies will be known as the Macpherson Intimates Wallabies for at least the next 3 years.

"We feel that this partnership with Macpherson Intimates is a clear sign of confidence in Australian rugby" said ARU Chief Executive John O'Neill.

"The new jersey is the result of several years work with Bendon, and has resulted in a test kit with continuous flexi underwire technology, which encourages unrestricted body movement. We're also working towards a version with convertible straps, to allow for racer back or standard strap options. Lote Tuqiri in particular is very interested in that kit, as it will allow him to head straigh out after a game"

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Preview: All Blacks vs Australia

At the start of the season, no one at Hayman's Beard would have thought we'd be here now, standing on the precipice of possibly losing both the Tri-Nations and the Bledisloe Cup.

Basking in the glory of a Fully Bearded tour of the Northern Hemisphere, where the All Blacks played stunning rugby to destroy all opposition, we were confident of a strong run through the Tri-Nations as a warm-up for the World Cup.

Things don't always go to plan. Upset by an Australian side including a forward pack which wouldn't offer a single player to anyones World XV, and with form that can only be described as indifferent, the All Blacks find themselves in a must win scenario. Their Tri-Nations trophy is on the line. And so is the Bledisloe, which they've held since 2003. The perception that this team was invincible has been broken, and now they need a strong win in a do-or-die match of epic proportions, against the old foes.


And Hayman's Beard couldn't be happier.

Let's dispense with all the conjecture about the rotation policy, because as much as we enjoy moaning about it, the fact is it's not going to change.

What this team needs is testing. And there can be no bigger test heading into a World Cup than what they will face on Saturday.

If we imagine for a moment that they had beaten Australia in Melbourne, then crushed the Springboks in Christchurch before easily dispatching the Wallabies again in Auckland, where would that leave us?

A team full of confidence perhaps, and a public placated (for now).

But when the time comes and this team reaches that semi-final or Beard-willing the final itself, would we rather they'd had an easy run this season, or had to face must-win encounters before?

Saturday's match is incredibly important for the World Cup, to give the All Blacks the knowledge that when they enter a situation where only one outcome is acceptable, they have The Beards to do it.

Let us not underestimate the Australians. Their backline, with a combined age of over 7000, has the experience and skills to outplay us as they did at the MCG. Gregan was able to nullify our scrum advantage by forgetting how to put the ball in for 80 minutes, and that, along with our lack of tactical kicking, meant that our forward dominance mattered little come fulltime.

Their forward pack may be less effective than the East-Tamaki womens bowling club at the basics of rugby, but the Wallaby nouse more than makes up for it.

We should not forget that.

Nor should we forget how important it is for The Beard to make a return at this key point in the season. How it would fill our hearts with joy to feel the disturbance in The Force that would be The Beard marching out onto Eden Park, the static charge causing the lights to flicker and filling the television cameras with static.

All we can do is keep the faith and pray for its return.

All Blacks
Forwards: Tony Woodcock, Anton Oliver, Carl Hayman, Chris Jack, Keith Robinson, Jerry Collins, Richie McCaw (captain), Rodney So'oialo
Backs: Byron Kelleher, Dan Carter, Josevata Rokocoko, Luke McAlister, Isaia Toeava, Doug Howlett, Mils Muliaina
Reserves: Keven Mealamu, Neemia Tialata, Reuben Thorne, Chris Masoe, Brendon Leonard, Aaron Mauger, Nick Evans.

Australia
Forwards: Matt Dunning, Stephen Moore, Guy Shepherdson, Nathan Sharpe, Dan Vickerman, Rocky Elsom, George Smith (vc), David Lyons
Backs: George Gregan, Stephen Larkham, Drew Mitchell, Matt Giteau, Stirling Mortlock (captain), Mark Gerrard, Adam Ashley-Cooper
Reserves: Adam Freier, Al Baxter, Hugh McMeniman, Stephen Hoiles, Phil Waugh (vc), Scott Staniforth, Chris Latham

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The Beard that Jack Built

Whilst there is no doubt that The Beard of Hayman (as the old scrolls refer to it) is the most powerful All Black weapon since Pinetree's stare, we here at Hayman's Beard always assess the entirety of the All Black team for facial hair efforts.

It's not always an easy job. Most of the backs can't grow facial hair yet, so that does put most of the focus on the forwards.

And whilst Carl has been causing us to cry ourselves to sleep every night over his disgusting fascination with the razor, it does appear as though some others are starting to step up to the plate.

Piri Wepu has been making an excellent effort, with some excellent growth in the last few weeks.

However our current hero is none other than Chris Jack. For a man who runs like a newborn calf, he's always impressed us with his versatility, but since the game against Melbourne, we've been keeping a close eye on his growth.

And it's coming along nicely.

At Melbourne he had that initial "I just didn't shave since the day before yesterday" look, the same one that when Carl wears it causes us to adjust the Beard Threat Scale.

But whereas most shave during the week, by the time they hit Jade Stadium for the Springbok test, Jack's was coming in nicely. A tinge of ginge to be sure, which we feel is a nice touch for the Cantabrian. It allows him to show his home colours even when on international duty.

It's a small start, but at least it's a start.

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The campaign gathers momentum

Hayman's Beard would like to thank the NZ Herald's Sideswipe column for bringing our cause to the masses today. You have done your country a great service Anna, and Hayman's Beard salutes you, even though you don't have a beard*.
Word has also reached us that the morning show crew on The Rock FM here in Auckland mentioned Hayman's Beard today, and so we also salute you guys for doing your part.

To all our readers, if you have a website, a radio show, a television show, a billboard, a sign-writing plane, or anything else that can be used to spread the word, please contact us at haymansbeard@gmail.com.

We have banners for websites available, and are happy to do whatever we need to do in order to get some hairy goodness back in the All Blacks.

*that we know of. Please feel free to contact us if in fact you do have an awesome beard, or one of those pencil moustaches that women wore in the 1920's, and we'll happily publish a correction

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33 - 6: All Blacks defeat South Africa

Hayman's Beard is a little confused.

Not confused with the gameplan, the style, the score, or the opposition.

We're confused on how to feel.

Anytime you beat the Springboks, it's a good thing. Right? Especially when you're able to play for the full 80 and come away with a 27-point victory.

Any yet.....we're confused. We know we should be feeling good, but we don't. We know we should be feeling happy, but we're not. In fact we're nervous. And we hate that.

There are in fact a lot of positives. Hayman's Beard had never been a fan of Leonard before Saturday, but he was an inspiration, and would have done his chances of a World Cup spot no harm. He injected the kind of enthusiasm Byron does from the bench, and with a different style to Piri he was able to change the nature of the attack.
Dan played well. Not up to his incredibly high standards of course, but still better than most 1st-5s around the world.
As a Luke McAlister fan, Hayman's Beard was impressed with his increased defensive effort, as well as the line breaks he's known for. We still fear the All Blacks are trying to play too laterally, shovelling the ball out as far as they can regardless of the situation....we need more vision than that, and more positional kicking. Certainly better than the Melbourne test, our situational kicking still has plenty of room for impovement.

Along with everything else.

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Preview: All Blacks vs South African

Hayman's Beard heard someone on Radio Sport refer to the Springboks as "South Africa C" the other day, and we got a little riled.
No, it's not their number 1 side. But it sure as hell ain't a "C" team either. To call them that does them a great disservice after the positive showing they put in against the Wallabys, and to SA rugby in general.
Few nations are blessed with our depth when it comes to national teams, but this is a quality side in many ways.
Whereas the French sent a "C" side simply to fulfill contractual obligations, there are benefits beyond resting the frontline squad for Jake White and his management team.
Most of the French squad will never again play for their country. But these South Africans will in the coming months and years be genuine contenders for Springbok caps. Can you put a price on the experience of sending them on a no-win mission to Christchurch to play the All Blacks?
In years to come those players will be better for the experience, and if the Springboks win the World Cup then it's a double-win for White.
So it's not all bad. Seldom does one see a "poor" Springbok team. Some are better than others, and some aren't good enough to win.
But you know they'll "bring it", as the kids would say. Or something.

As for the All Blacks? Will we finally see the return of The Beard? Or are we destined to once again see Brazilian front row?

We like the backline a lot more than last outing, for obvious reasons. Conrad off the bench will be a big one to watch of course, as will leaving Oliver out and having JC not starting.

What we're really wanting to see is clinical destruction. Nothing fancy, just good old-fashioned percentages rugby. It's what was lacking at the 3/4 mark in Melbourne, and what will be required come World Cup time.

All Blacks:
Tony Woodock, Kevin Mealamu, Carl Hayman, Keith Robinson, Chris Jack, Reuben Thorne, Ritchie McCaw, Rodney So'oialo, Piri Weepu, Dan Carter, Sitiveni Sivivatu, Luke McAlister, Isaia Toeava, Doug Howlett, Mils Muliaina Reserves Neemia Tialata, Jerry Collins, Chris Masoe, Brendon Leanard, Conrad Smith, Nick Evans, Andrew Hore

Springboks:
JP Pietersen, Breyton Paulse, Waylon Murray, Wynand Olivier, Jaco Pretorius, Derick Hougaard, Ruan Pienaar, Jacques Cronje, Pedrie Wannenburg, Wikus van Heerden, Johann Muller (captain), Albert van den Berg, Jannie du Plessis, Bismarck du Plessis, CJ van der Linde.
Reserves Gary Botha, Eddie Andrews, Gerrie Britz, Hilton Lobberts, Michael Claassens, Peter Grant, Tonderai Chavhanga

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Australians seeking favourable treatment?

It's been a week of scoops here at Hayman's Beard. First we broke the story of George Gregan's DUI arrest in France last year, and now we bring you an exclusive look at the politiking that goes on behind closed doors in the lead up to a test.

Coaches will often seek a meeting with the ref in the week before a big game, usually to stamp their feet about Ritchie being "not fair" and begging the officials to make Carl shave before the game.

However we've never seen anything like the following. It's a note which apparently was given to the ref by Stirling Mortlock moments before the test against South Africa. It certainly explains a lot, but should this kind of thing be allowed? Where do we draw the line?

We can only hope that their knee is feeling better in Auckland next week.

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Exclusive Footage: George Gregan arrested for DUI in France last year?

As we go to press today at Hayman's Beard, stunning footage has been received that suggests that Wallaby legend George Gregan was arrested for DUI by French police while on holiday there last year.

As seen in this exclusive shot, French Police surrounded a motorcycle being driven by George on the footpath, and were able to get the rugby legend to bring the bike to a stop.

French police sources told Hayman's Beard tonight that "George was eventually "tasered" by the cops in an effort to get him to shut the f*#k up"

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Bledisloe Cup in danger due to lack of The Beard

There are 3 reasons why The All Blacks lost to Australia in the first Bledisloe Cup game.

1) A complete lack of The Beard*

2) A lack of basic mongrel

3) A ref who was scared that everytime there was a scrum there was going to be a repeat of the Hillsborough Disaster

Let us take nothing away from the Aussies tho, who did in fact deserve to win. Much as it puckers my butthole to say it. They played smarter football, worrying about winning rather than how they won.

An interesting quote I heard during the week made mention of the fact that who thinks they can play a non-centre against Stirling Mortlock and get away with it? And indeed that proved to be the case, as Stirling tore us a new one in midfield.

Once again the Wallaby forwards were saved from the realities of life by a ref who didn't want to be known as the man who let 8 Aussies die. A shame really, as it blunted one of the few weapons we were (nearly) able to bring to bear.

The All Blacks need to start playing ruthless rugby. Field position boys, field position.

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Facial Hair of The Week

Given the victory of The Wallabies over the All Blacks, we think it's only fair that this week we honour one of The Greats.

With a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, Merv was never a stunning example of the human form. But he more than made up for it with a moustache which the Aboriginal people named "that which cannot be tamed or made to look girly".

I mean Dear Lord look at it. Can you imagine any modern sporting hero having the balls to grow something as dominating as that? Maybe after the World Cup we'll take this campaign global, and see which sporting stars we can get to grow the best facial hair. Early bets have Roger Federer losing the tennis heats to Venus Williams, with soccer being represented by someone who isn't an Englishman.

Merv, you're a legend.

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Apologies for the lack of content lately

You know that scene in Ghostbusters 2 where they lower Ray into a hole in the street, and he finds a river of slime running through an old subway tunnel?
What you don't know is that the tunnel connects directly to Hayman's Beard's nasal passages.

We've been quite unwell here of late.

And why is it that every female Hayman's Beard knows takes it upon themselves to offer medical advice, whereas the men-folk don't? We'll admit that with Mother Hayman's Beard offshore at present, a kindly word from the softer sex is a soothing tonic, but it does seem that all women have done at least 2 years of a medical degree at some stage.

We digress however, and of course admit that if Carl had grown The Beard back then we'd be in fine health.

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Preview: All Blacks v South Africa

Finally we have something to really sink our teeth into.

After a couple of games against France, and a single outing against Canada, we can at last get into a game where the action may overshadow the talk.

No more talk about half-strength teams, no more talk about rotation, no more talk at all.

The real deal is upon us, and it should be a classic.

Despite a number of injuries, the Springboks are full of confidence after an impressive Super14 showing, a good build up against England, and a tough, tight match with Australia.

They now know they will have to step up again, but the real question is whether the All Blacks can do likewise for the first time this season.

I don't really buy into the travel being such a big factor....it's a fact of life and has to be dealt with, but I also think it's another Graham Henry distraction point.

I expect our scrum to get stronger as the game goes on, based of course on the continuing growth of The Beard throughout the match. Basing our attacks around the scrum, I think the All Blacks will be too strong in the backs, and will take the match up 13+.

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Facial Hair of The Week

This week we've taken the odd decision to honour a South African. Odd in that not only is it the week of the first Tri-Nations test for the All Blacks, but he's also their captain.

Victor Matfield is our choice this week. He skippers the Springboks for the first time, he's the best lock in the world, and he has a wonderful beard. Obviously it isn't as imposing, impressive or powerful as The Beard, but for a South African it's a sterling effort.

A great player for the last 10 years, Victor can be a bit of a dirty bastard on the field, but in many ways thats part of his charm, and its also a result of his relentless drive to win.

Victor Matfield, the beard's a beauty mate, and we salute you.

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Why we love the Springboks

Many of my formative years coincided with the era when South Africa was (rightly) cut off from the international community. Our biggest and best tests were against the Australians, and so I grew up considering them "the old foe".

But since SA re-emerged from their self-induced hibernation, I have come to understand why those older than I think of them as the old enemy.

And when I hear Jake White stating to his men after their win over the Wallabies last week "You've got the All Blacks next week. Now it gets even harder but we get born to play rugby against New Zealand. That's why we get born in this country", I get a shiver down my spine.

Because to rugby people such as us, he speaks the truth. Kiwis are born to be All Blacks, and play against South Africa in the biggest clashes on the planet. It is what drives us to thrust every part of our heart and soul into defeating them.

Because you know that they're doing the same.

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Matt Dunning wants a crack at The Beard

Like many people, I was surprised that there weren't any deaths in the Wallaby front-row after the weekend's test in SA. In the last couple of years the Australian scrum has had all the power of an anti-smacking bill. Many have pointed to the use of the "crouch, touch/pause, engage" rule as being far too confusing for Australian players, meaning they don't get a decent hit on.

But against the Springboks this past weekend they weren't half bad, and certainly weren't destroyed like they have been several times in the recent past.

After claiming that it was his best game in the Wallaby jersey ever, Matt Dunning has now said he wants to take on The Beard.

"If I get picked in the game in Melbourne he will be the next challenge and he is world class, he's the best, so we'll be able to see how good I am after that."

It is of course admirable for young Matt to want to test himself against the best. That's what international sport is about, and nothing brings out a players best like playing for their national team against the best prop on the planet.

Hayman's Beard wishes Matt well, but also holds grave fear for his life. He should spend the next two weeks praying that Carl hasn't grown The Full Beard by the time they meet. If The Beard should go off during a scrum, there's no telling what damage could be done to a young player with questionable ability. Safety first people, safety first.

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Why we need Hayman's Beard

Since the dawn of time, mankind has been drawn to the symbolic power of various relics, using them as excuses for worship, unity, and conquest. From the Holy Grail and The Ark of the Covenant to great sporting trophies and national monuments, countless lives have been lost in the pursuit of that which these icons represent: power, belief, unity, excellence.
Whilst the Webb Ellis Cup is one such icon, it seems readily apparent that there is another such symbol which draws New Zealand together, another ideal behind which Kiwis can gather to take on the world.
I speak of course of Hayman's Beard.
When one looks at the truly great sporting legends, one theme stands out: that of incredible facial hair. The giants in their fields all distinguished themselves with wonderful statements of manliness by adorning themselves with that most masculine of features.
Cast your mind over these legends: David Boon. Terry Wright. Joe Stanley. Hulk Hogan. Merv Hughes. Chuck Norris. Uncle Jesse. Mark Greatbach. Thomas Magnum. ZZ Top.

One thing sets them apart from mere mortals.

And it is that element that is currently missing from the All Blacks.

Few things in this world send fear coursing through a man's veins, or make women weak at the knees, like Carl Hayman's wondrous beard.

An unkempt mass of steel wool, at it's zenith it nearly doubles the All Blacks pack weight, and is added to the Periodic Table of Elements (symbol Hb). During the Haka, The Beard actually heats up to over 10,000 degrees Celsius, and can be seen from space with the naked eye. The Beard is watched 24/7 by agents from the U.S. military, as it's considered a threat to American National Security, however individual agents can only last for a matter of days at a time before going insane from its awesomeness.

Contrary to popular belief, under Chuck Norris's beard isn't a fist: It's a tattoo of Hayman's Beard.

The simple fact is that if the All Blacks are to win the World Cup this year, they're going to need every advantage they can get. And that includes Hayman's Beard.

We at Hayman's Beard urge Carl to grow back The Beard. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up for what he believes in. For Carl Hayman this time is now. And the stand he must make is big and shaggy.

Grow The Beard Carl. Your country needs you.

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