Wallaby World Cup Squad

Australia's Squad for the World Cup provided few surprises, but Hayman's Beard managed to make some stuff up

Confusion reigned at the announcement of the Wallaby Squad for the World Cup, when Australian Rugby Union CEO John O’Neill accidentally read out the 1991 World Cup squad.

Many of the assembled players were dismayed to not hear their names being read out, with the Wallabies seemingly going to extremes with their “pick the oldest player still capable of running” policy.

“I didn’t even know Michael Lynagh was still alive” commented Matt Dunning after O’Neill had finished reading the team.

Concerned officials rushed the podium to explain the error to O’Neill, who angrily retreated backstage, where he could be heard yelling at other members of the ARU.

“Of course Campo should be in the bloody team, at least he can walk down a flight of stairs without injuring himself” he was heard to yell forcefully, before asking an unknown official whether John Eales was actually available.

The assembled media didn’t have to wait long before a red-faced O’Neill returned to the stage. Always a straight-shooter, the CEO didn’t mince words as he spoke about “a right-royal %*ck-up” and apologised for the confusion.

He was quickly passed an old electricity-bill envelope, which appeared to have the current squad written on it. After going through the names, O’Neill left the stage without answering questions.

Coach John Connelly was soon brought to the podium to respond to the media, and he was upbeat about the squad.

“The selectors feel that this is a squad capable of winning the World Cup. We’ve made great progress in recent months, culminating in wins over the All Blacks and South Africa.”

The question of captain was dealt with quickly, with Connolly announcing league commentator Peter Sterling would lead the squad, rather than George Gregan.

“Sterling has lead from the front during the Tri-Nations. He’s playing at his best, and we feel that his ability to draw on the TV screen after saying “if we freeze it there” might help us understand what the hell it is we’re trying to do”

Questions remain however on whether Gregan is capable of taking a backseat on the field. Well known for reducing referees to tears with well-timed barbs about their sexual performance, the 82-year old had been captain of the Wallabies since the late 50’s. Whether he can restrain himself and focus on his own game, which has come under-fire from the Australian media, remains to be seen.

One thing is certain. Despite a combined age of well over three million, and with a backline seemingly riddled with Osteogenesis imperfecta and other physical defects, the Wallabies are more than capable of winning the World Cup. You can never write them off.

Wallaby World Cup Squad:
Adam Ashley-Cooper, Berrick Barnes, Alistair Baxter, Mark Chisholm, Sam Cordingley, Matt Dunning, Rocky Elsom, Adam Freier, Mark Gerrard, Matt Giteau, George Gregan (vc), Sean Hardman, Stephen Hoiles, Greg Holmes, Julian Huxley, Stephen Larkham, Chris Latham, David Lyons, Hugh McMeniman, Drew Mitchell, Stephen Moore, Stirling Mortlock (c), Wycliff Palu, Nathan Sharpe, Guy Shepherdson, George Smith, Scott Staniforth, Lote Tuqiri, Dan Vickerman, Phil Waugh (vc)

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Springbok World Cup Squad

We take a look at the South African World Cup Squad, including 2 shock inclusions the selectors didn't know about (again)

When Jake White named his World Cup squad, he had 2 main aims:
1) Announce a squad of players capable of winning the world cup
2) Claim a new world record for most number of van der Westhuizen’s in a single team

Amazingly, he has managed to accomplish both.

There can be no doubt that the Springboks are capable of winning the world cup. They have set their sights high, with a stated aim of going through the pool games undefeated by using only drop-goals to score.

Their recent defeats to Australia and the All Blacks however reveal a concerning lack of depth and facial hair. The Springboks also appear to be unable to adjust their gameplan should it prove ineffective, and it’s this lack of nouse which many suspect will be their undoing.

Looking at their squad is an interesting exercise, as you find a group of solid, world-class players. However if picking a world XV, how many South Africans would be chosen ahead of All Blacks, or others? Hayman’s Beard believes 2 at most, and it is that lack of truly world-beating stars which will be their downfall.

Once again controversy has marred the squad selection though, with SARFU President Oregan Hoskins again slipping in 2 players of his own picking without consulting Coach Jake White or the other Springbok selectors.

In adding Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu to the squad, Hoskins has attempted to increase the number of black players in the World Cup team, whilst also trying to bolster cover at fullback, centre and wing.

“Nelson is a quality player of great experience. Defensively he’s unequalled, and his great positional kicking game means he can cover any of the back 3 positions should injuries occur. And with Desmond we now have the kind of explosive power that can win matches. Coming off the bench The Bish’ as he’s known, gives us serious impact” commented Hoskins.

White was confused as hell at the announcement, but later refused to criticise the selections. He also refused to comment on rumours that Mandela had demanded the captaincy, and had locked himself in the team bus until his demands were met.

Springbok World Cup Squad:
Bakkies Botha van der Westhuizen, BJ Botha van der Westhuizen, Gary Botha van der Westhuizen, Schalk Burger van der Westhuizen, Jean De Villiers van der Westhuizen, Fourie Du Preez van der Westhuizen, Os Du Randt van der Westhuizen, Jaque Fourie van der Westhuizen, Bryan Habana, Butch James van der Westhuizen, Ricky Januarie van der Westhuizen, Victor Matfield van der Westhuizen, Percy Montgomery, Johann Muller van der Westhuizen, Akona Ndungane van der Westhuizen, Wynand Olivier van der Westhuizen, Ruan Pienaar van der Westhuizen, JP Pietersen van der Westhuizen, Andre Pretorius van der Westhuizen, Danie Rossouw van der Westhuizen, Bob Skinstad van der Westhuizen, Pierre Spies van der Westhuizen, John Smit van der Westhuizen (Captain), Juan Smith van der Westhuizen, Gurthro Steenkamp van der Westhuizen, Francois Steyn van der Westhuizen, Albert Van Den Berg van der Westhuizen, Wikus Van Heerden van der Westhuizen, CJ Van Der Linde van der Westhuizen, Ashwin Willemse van der Westhuizen, Nelson Mandela, Archbishop Desmond Tutu

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All Black Squad

Hayman's Beard casts a hairy eye over the All Black's World Cup Squad

Like most pundits, Hayman’s Beard was surprised to see Piri Weepu omitted from the All Black squad. It seems obvious that form wasn’t the only factor involved, otherwise he wouldn’t have been the only change.

We’re not convinced that picking Andrew Ellis was a good move, in fact it seems like a waste of a spot. He lacks the big game experience of others in the squad, and if you then accept that this makes him unlikely to figure in the sudden-death games, then why take him away? The argument about injury cover doesn’t stack up, as they are allowed to replace squad members under certain circumstances. So the Ellis choice is an odd one.

Otherwise pretty standard really. Whilst we’re a fan of Troy Flavell since his return from Japan, his exclusion does mean one less worry come finals time: that of Troy stabbing opposing player’s moments before fulltime in front of our own posts. His discipline in the past year has been much improved, but a fear remained that he could snap under pressure from opposition teams intent on niggling him. Rumours that he carries a gun onto the field are of course nonsense, but to lose a game due to Troy suicide bombing a maul would be a nightmare.

Ali Williams' inclusion now that he’s able to chew again is a welcome sight given our lineout woes at present. It remains our Achilles heel, and as we saw in the Bledisloe Cup game, it can be exploited.

Otherwise the forwards represent the pinnacle of the world game in our opinion, Victor Matfield not withstanding. Their ability around the park is beyond that of any other team in world rugby, and Hayman’s Beard was delighted to see the forward work put in at Eden Park last week. We all love watching Carter set the backline alight, with McAlister feeding the back three at speed to score another great try, but there is something amazingly satisfying in seeing a forward pack physically dominate their opponents. To see them driving through at ruck time, with pick-and-go play bulldozing through the defensive line, brings a smile to the face of all true rugby fans.
Sione Lauaki’s addition to the squad bolsters this style of play greatly, as well as spreading fear through other teams. Looking up after fielding a bomb to see Lauaki and Collins coming for you would be enough to make most fullbacks soil themselves.

Without a doubt, we have a squad capable of winning the World Cup. The Return of The Beard is the final piece of the puzzle of course, but from a talent point of view at least we can be confident of success come October.

All Black Squad:
Dan Carter, Jerry Collins, Andrew Ellis, Nick Evans, Carl Hayman, Andrew Hore, Doug Howlett, Chris Jack,Byron Kelleher, Sione Lauaki, Brendon Leonard, Luke McAlister, Richie McCaw (Captain), Leon MacDonald, Chris Masoe, Aaron Mauger, Keven Mealamu, Malili Muliaina, Anton Oliver, Keith Robinson,Josevata Rokocoko, Sitiveni Sivivatu, Conrad Smith, Rodney So’oialo, Reuben Thorne, Neemia Tialata, Isaia Toeava, Ali Williams, Tony Woodcock

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Former All Black joins the crusade, grows a beard

That's right, former All Blacks are now rallying to our hairy cause!

A good friend of Hayman's Beard called the other day to report some exciting news. His job as an account manager for an insurance company means that he spends most of his time playing golf, and one of his customers bought along former All Black Bernie McCahill for a round.

Bernie appeared slightly more imposing and manly than usual (if that's even possible), and it was soon noticed that he was sporting the initial stages of what will no doubt become a very fine beard.

When enquiring minds asked about the growth, Bernie revealed that he was growing a beard to support the All Blacks on their quest for the World Cup.

We at Hayman's Beard are honoured to have you join our cause Bernie, and no doubt your Black-shirted bretheren feel the same.

Nice work Bernie, and we look forward to some pics once the beard gets a little further along.

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Facial Hair of The Week: Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol is a Spanish basketballer, currently playing for the Memphis Grizzlies (how appropriate). Considered one of the top European basketballers ever, winning the NBA Rookie of the year in 2002.

And look at that Beard, a true classic. There's little doubt that his success in the NBA can be attributed to his shaggy look. It's helped him develop his own cult following in the U.S., and long may it continue.

Pau Gasol, Hayman's Beard salutes you.

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Victory, and The Return of The Beard?

The All Blacks secured the Bledisloe and Tri-Nations trophies tonight with a 26-12 win over the Macpherson Intimates Wallabies in Auckland.

Despite a slow start, the All Blacks kept their foot on the gas in the second half to increase the pressure, eventually allowing Tony Woodcock to cross in the corner for the games only try in the 60th minute.

Dan Carter returned to goal-kicking form, landing 7 of 8 attempts, and his field kicking was excellent all night.

Despite continuing lineout issues in the first half, the All Blacks always had the match of the Wallabies, the forward dominance increasing as the game wore on.

The most pleasing aspect of course was the first signs of what could be The Return of The Beard.
The big man certainly hadn't seen a razor for a while, and we here at Hayman's Beard were very impressed.

Whether this signals a fulltime return of the most devastating icon in sports remains to be seen, and we shall be implementing a Beard Threat Meter on the site so we can keep track of its progress as we head towards the World Cup.

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Hayman's Beard in the media

Since we went public last week, we've been rushed off our feet. The support from the public has been great, but we've also been happy to see the media get in behind our campaign.

We've had Hayman's Beard featured on:

• Radio Sport
• Newstalk ZB
• ZM
• Classic Hits
• George FM
• Radio Live

We've also been featured on www.rugbyheaven.co.nz, www.stuff.co.nz, www.thesilverfern.co.nz, www.sportsfreak.co.nz, amongst others.

We'll be appearing on Alt TV's Sports show this Monday at 8pm, so tune in to show your support!

We were also impressed to see a sporting editorial in the NZ Herald. You can read it here

Keep your eyes and ears open as Hayman's Beard continues to drum up support worldwide!

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Exclusive: New Jersey, New Naming Sponsor for Wallabies

Tonight Hayman's Beard can exclusively reveal that the ARU has parted with longtime naming sponsor Qantas after signing a new deal with apparel company Bendon.

Since unveiling their new support-bra jersey several weeks ago, the Qantas Wallabies have come under increasing pressure to revert to a more traditional kit.

However leading Wallabies have praised the new jersey.

"I was immediately impressed with the level of cushioned comfort. The double-layer moulded cups give a smooth seamless profile & maximum support" commented prop Matt Dunning, while Matt Giteau said "the slimline side bones under the arms reduce chafing."

The future of the new jersey is secure with the announcement that the former Qantas Wallabies will be known as the Macpherson Intimates Wallabies for at least the next 3 years.

"We feel that this partnership with Macpherson Intimates is a clear sign of confidence in Australian rugby" said ARU Chief Executive John O'Neill.

"The new jersey is the result of several years work with Bendon, and has resulted in a test kit with continuous flexi underwire technology, which encourages unrestricted body movement. We're also working towards a version with convertible straps, to allow for racer back or standard strap options. Lote Tuqiri in particular is very interested in that kit, as it will allow him to head straigh out after a game"

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Preview: All Blacks vs Australia

At the start of the season, no one at Hayman's Beard would have thought we'd be here now, standing on the precipice of possibly losing both the Tri-Nations and the Bledisloe Cup.

Basking in the glory of a Fully Bearded tour of the Northern Hemisphere, where the All Blacks played stunning rugby to destroy all opposition, we were confident of a strong run through the Tri-Nations as a warm-up for the World Cup.

Things don't always go to plan. Upset by an Australian side including a forward pack which wouldn't offer a single player to anyones World XV, and with form that can only be described as indifferent, the All Blacks find themselves in a must win scenario. Their Tri-Nations trophy is on the line. And so is the Bledisloe, which they've held since 2003. The perception that this team was invincible has been broken, and now they need a strong win in a do-or-die match of epic proportions, against the old foes.


And Hayman's Beard couldn't be happier.

Let's dispense with all the conjecture about the rotation policy, because as much as we enjoy moaning about it, the fact is it's not going to change.

What this team needs is testing. And there can be no bigger test heading into a World Cup than what they will face on Saturday.

If we imagine for a moment that they had beaten Australia in Melbourne, then crushed the Springboks in Christchurch before easily dispatching the Wallabies again in Auckland, where would that leave us?

A team full of confidence perhaps, and a public placated (for now).

But when the time comes and this team reaches that semi-final or Beard-willing the final itself, would we rather they'd had an easy run this season, or had to face must-win encounters before?

Saturday's match is incredibly important for the World Cup, to give the All Blacks the knowledge that when they enter a situation where only one outcome is acceptable, they have The Beards to do it.

Let us not underestimate the Australians. Their backline, with a combined age of over 7000, has the experience and skills to outplay us as they did at the MCG. Gregan was able to nullify our scrum advantage by forgetting how to put the ball in for 80 minutes, and that, along with our lack of tactical kicking, meant that our forward dominance mattered little come fulltime.

Their forward pack may be less effective than the East-Tamaki womens bowling club at the basics of rugby, but the Wallaby nouse more than makes up for it.

We should not forget that.

Nor should we forget how important it is for The Beard to make a return at this key point in the season. How it would fill our hearts with joy to feel the disturbance in The Force that would be The Beard marching out onto Eden Park, the static charge causing the lights to flicker and filling the television cameras with static.

All we can do is keep the faith and pray for its return.

All Blacks
Forwards: Tony Woodcock, Anton Oliver, Carl Hayman, Chris Jack, Keith Robinson, Jerry Collins, Richie McCaw (captain), Rodney So'oialo
Backs: Byron Kelleher, Dan Carter, Josevata Rokocoko, Luke McAlister, Isaia Toeava, Doug Howlett, Mils Muliaina
Reserves: Keven Mealamu, Neemia Tialata, Reuben Thorne, Chris Masoe, Brendon Leonard, Aaron Mauger, Nick Evans.

Australia
Forwards: Matt Dunning, Stephen Moore, Guy Shepherdson, Nathan Sharpe, Dan Vickerman, Rocky Elsom, George Smith (vc), David Lyons
Backs: George Gregan, Stephen Larkham, Drew Mitchell, Matt Giteau, Stirling Mortlock (captain), Mark Gerrard, Adam Ashley-Cooper
Reserves: Adam Freier, Al Baxter, Hugh McMeniman, Stephen Hoiles, Phil Waugh (vc), Scott Staniforth, Chris Latham

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The Beard that Jack Built

Whilst there is no doubt that The Beard of Hayman (as the old scrolls refer to it) is the most powerful All Black weapon since Pinetree's stare, we here at Hayman's Beard always assess the entirety of the All Black team for facial hair efforts.

It's not always an easy job. Most of the backs can't grow facial hair yet, so that does put most of the focus on the forwards.

And whilst Carl has been causing us to cry ourselves to sleep every night over his disgusting fascination with the razor, it does appear as though some others are starting to step up to the plate.

Piri Wepu has been making an excellent effort, with some excellent growth in the last few weeks.

However our current hero is none other than Chris Jack. For a man who runs like a newborn calf, he's always impressed us with his versatility, but since the game against Melbourne, we've been keeping a close eye on his growth.

And it's coming along nicely.

At Melbourne he had that initial "I just didn't shave since the day before yesterday" look, the same one that when Carl wears it causes us to adjust the Beard Threat Scale.

But whereas most shave during the week, by the time they hit Jade Stadium for the Springbok test, Jack's was coming in nicely. A tinge of ginge to be sure, which we feel is a nice touch for the Cantabrian. It allows him to show his home colours even when on international duty.

It's a small start, but at least it's a start.

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The campaign gathers momentum

Hayman's Beard would like to thank the NZ Herald's Sideswipe column for bringing our cause to the masses today. You have done your country a great service Anna, and Hayman's Beard salutes you, even though you don't have a beard*.
Word has also reached us that the morning show crew on The Rock FM here in Auckland mentioned Hayman's Beard today, and so we also salute you guys for doing your part.

To all our readers, if you have a website, a radio show, a television show, a billboard, a sign-writing plane, or anything else that can be used to spread the word, please contact us at haymansbeard@gmail.com.

We have banners for websites available, and are happy to do whatever we need to do in order to get some hairy goodness back in the All Blacks.

*that we know of. Please feel free to contact us if in fact you do have an awesome beard, or one of those pencil moustaches that women wore in the 1920's, and we'll happily publish a correction

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33 - 6: All Blacks defeat South Africa

Hayman's Beard is a little confused.

Not confused with the gameplan, the style, the score, or the opposition.

We're confused on how to feel.

Anytime you beat the Springboks, it's a good thing. Right? Especially when you're able to play for the full 80 and come away with a 27-point victory.

Any yet.....we're confused. We know we should be feeling good, but we don't. We know we should be feeling happy, but we're not. In fact we're nervous. And we hate that.

There are in fact a lot of positives. Hayman's Beard had never been a fan of Leonard before Saturday, but he was an inspiration, and would have done his chances of a World Cup spot no harm. He injected the kind of enthusiasm Byron does from the bench, and with a different style to Piri he was able to change the nature of the attack.
Dan played well. Not up to his incredibly high standards of course, but still better than most 1st-5s around the world.
As a Luke McAlister fan, Hayman's Beard was impressed with his increased defensive effort, as well as the line breaks he's known for. We still fear the All Blacks are trying to play too laterally, shovelling the ball out as far as they can regardless of the situation....we need more vision than that, and more positional kicking. Certainly better than the Melbourne test, our situational kicking still has plenty of room for impovement.

Along with everything else.

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Preview: All Blacks vs South African

Hayman's Beard heard someone on Radio Sport refer to the Springboks as "South Africa C" the other day, and we got a little riled.
No, it's not their number 1 side. But it sure as hell ain't a "C" team either. To call them that does them a great disservice after the positive showing they put in against the Wallabys, and to SA rugby in general.
Few nations are blessed with our depth when it comes to national teams, but this is a quality side in many ways.
Whereas the French sent a "C" side simply to fulfill contractual obligations, there are benefits beyond resting the frontline squad for Jake White and his management team.
Most of the French squad will never again play for their country. But these South Africans will in the coming months and years be genuine contenders for Springbok caps. Can you put a price on the experience of sending them on a no-win mission to Christchurch to play the All Blacks?
In years to come those players will be better for the experience, and if the Springboks win the World Cup then it's a double-win for White.
So it's not all bad. Seldom does one see a "poor" Springbok team. Some are better than others, and some aren't good enough to win.
But you know they'll "bring it", as the kids would say. Or something.

As for the All Blacks? Will we finally see the return of The Beard? Or are we destined to once again see Brazilian front row?

We like the backline a lot more than last outing, for obvious reasons. Conrad off the bench will be a big one to watch of course, as will leaving Oliver out and having JC not starting.

What we're really wanting to see is clinical destruction. Nothing fancy, just good old-fashioned percentages rugby. It's what was lacking at the 3/4 mark in Melbourne, and what will be required come World Cup time.

All Blacks:
Tony Woodock, Kevin Mealamu, Carl Hayman, Keith Robinson, Chris Jack, Reuben Thorne, Ritchie McCaw, Rodney So'oialo, Piri Weepu, Dan Carter, Sitiveni Sivivatu, Luke McAlister, Isaia Toeava, Doug Howlett, Mils Muliaina Reserves Neemia Tialata, Jerry Collins, Chris Masoe, Brendon Leanard, Conrad Smith, Nick Evans, Andrew Hore

Springboks:
JP Pietersen, Breyton Paulse, Waylon Murray, Wynand Olivier, Jaco Pretorius, Derick Hougaard, Ruan Pienaar, Jacques Cronje, Pedrie Wannenburg, Wikus van Heerden, Johann Muller (captain), Albert van den Berg, Jannie du Plessis, Bismarck du Plessis, CJ van der Linde.
Reserves Gary Botha, Eddie Andrews, Gerrie Britz, Hilton Lobberts, Michael Claassens, Peter Grant, Tonderai Chavhanga

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Australians seeking favourable treatment?

It's been a week of scoops here at Hayman's Beard. First we broke the story of George Gregan's DUI arrest in France last year, and now we bring you an exclusive look at the politiking that goes on behind closed doors in the lead up to a test.

Coaches will often seek a meeting with the ref in the week before a big game, usually to stamp their feet about Ritchie being "not fair" and begging the officials to make Carl shave before the game.

However we've never seen anything like the following. It's a note which apparently was given to the ref by Stirling Mortlock moments before the test against South Africa. It certainly explains a lot, but should this kind of thing be allowed? Where do we draw the line?

We can only hope that their knee is feeling better in Auckland next week.

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Exclusive Footage: George Gregan arrested for DUI in France last year?

As we go to press today at Hayman's Beard, stunning footage has been received that suggests that Wallaby legend George Gregan was arrested for DUI by French police while on holiday there last year.

As seen in this exclusive shot, French Police surrounded a motorcycle being driven by George on the footpath, and were able to get the rugby legend to bring the bike to a stop.

French police sources told Hayman's Beard tonight that "George was eventually "tasered" by the cops in an effort to get him to shut the f*#k up"

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Bledisloe Cup in danger due to lack of The Beard

There are 3 reasons why The All Blacks lost to Australia in the first Bledisloe Cup game.

1) A complete lack of The Beard*

2) A lack of basic mongrel

3) A ref who was scared that everytime there was a scrum there was going to be a repeat of the Hillsborough Disaster

Let us take nothing away from the Aussies tho, who did in fact deserve to win. Much as it puckers my butthole to say it. They played smarter football, worrying about winning rather than how they won.

An interesting quote I heard during the week made mention of the fact that who thinks they can play a non-centre against Stirling Mortlock and get away with it? And indeed that proved to be the case, as Stirling tore us a new one in midfield.

Once again the Wallaby forwards were saved from the realities of life by a ref who didn't want to be known as the man who let 8 Aussies die. A shame really, as it blunted one of the few weapons we were (nearly) able to bring to bear.

The All Blacks need to start playing ruthless rugby. Field position boys, field position.

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Facial Hair of The Week

Given the victory of The Wallabies over the All Blacks, we think it's only fair that this week we honour one of The Greats.

With a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, Merv was never a stunning example of the human form. But he more than made up for it with a moustache which the Aboriginal people named "that which cannot be tamed or made to look girly".

I mean Dear Lord look at it. Can you imagine any modern sporting hero having the balls to grow something as dominating as that? Maybe after the World Cup we'll take this campaign global, and see which sporting stars we can get to grow the best facial hair. Early bets have Roger Federer losing the tennis heats to Venus Williams, with soccer being represented by someone who isn't an Englishman.

Merv, you're a legend.

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Apologies for the lack of content lately

You know that scene in Ghostbusters 2 where they lower Ray into a hole in the street, and he finds a river of slime running through an old subway tunnel?
What you don't know is that the tunnel connects directly to Hayman's Beard's nasal passages.

We've been quite unwell here of late.

And why is it that every female Hayman's Beard knows takes it upon themselves to offer medical advice, whereas the men-folk don't? We'll admit that with Mother Hayman's Beard offshore at present, a kindly word from the softer sex is a soothing tonic, but it does seem that all women have done at least 2 years of a medical degree at some stage.

We digress however, and of course admit that if Carl had grown The Beard back then we'd be in fine health.

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