WHY?

When being right sucks

Returning from our reconditioning program, looking forward to heading into the quarters and semis, we at Hayman's Beard felt better than ever.

And then we saw the All Blacks run out for the match against France. A disturbance in the Force rumbled through us, and we soon knew why.

The absence of The Beard demands an explanation. Words fail to express our outrage, our concern, our frustration and our disgust.

Once again the All Blacks choke at the World Cup. Unlike before though, we know exactly why.

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Join The Hayman's Beard World Cup Challenge!

Hayman's Beard have set up an official challenge over at Telecom Virtual Rugby, and we want to challenge you!

To register and take part in the competition, head over to Telecom Virtual Rugby and register! Go to "Mates" and select "Challenge" and then "Join a challenge".

The challenge name to search for is The Official Hayman's Beard World Cup Challenge, and the password to use is thebeard.

We're going to organise some cool prizes for the winners, so spread the word and take on the world with the Hayman's Beard Challenge.

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Wales 27 Argentina 20

Hayman's Beard had picked Argentina to win this one, and they were also our big hopes of the World Cup. No, they can't win it. But advancing as far as the semis had not seemed beyond them, and few results would be as good for the game worldwide. Wales have cast doubt on that with their win on Saturday, where the Argies played like utter bollox in the first half.
Wales were relatively clinical in their approach, a much improved performance from the English whipping of 2 weeks ago, yet against a Puma's side playing this badly you would expect little else.

It wasn't until the second half that Argentina started to play with some structure instead of helter-skelter football, and made a real contest of it.
Neither team look like serious World Cup challengers, and with Argentina especially having a gold opportunity to qualify second on their pool, both have a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.

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France 22 England 9

France proved what many of us have been saying all year: England are shithouse. A freakish win over a Welsh side who weren't even sure what game they were playing had provided a glimmer of hope for the World Champions, yet France took no notice of the increasing English bravado and outplayed England in every single aspect of the game.

Little positive can be said about England's prospects. Their forwards, impressive even against the hapless Welsh, and even against France last week, looked uncommitted and weak, whilst their backs were completely exposed as the add-on unit they've been coached to be. The French looked dangerous from the word go, reversing doubts expressed since the first test where they looked well contained despite the win.

This time England were lucky that the margin wasn't greater. This result puts in doubt England's ability to advance beyond the quarters, while France once again look like one of the frontrunners.

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Japanese World Cup Squad: Know them before you judge them

Former All Black John Kirwan has only been the Japanese national coach since January (although he was an adviser since October last year), which hasn't given him a lot of time to prepare.
Despite bringing knowledge of Japanese rugby from his days playing for the NEC club, he simply wasn't prepared for the cultural challenges facing him in coaching the national team.

"The fact of the matter is that there's been little development in the national side over the years, which is mainly because the players keep killing themselves" the former Italian coach told Hayman's Beard.

"When I turned up to my first training last year, as an adviser rather than as coach, I was surprised to find only the reserves from the weekend's game at the ground. When I asked where the rest of the team was, I was told they'd all committed Hari-Kari, also known as Seppuku, after losing to Fiji"

Seppuku is the ancient Samurai art of ritual suicide, used when a warrior has been defeated or captured. It allows a person to kill themself, whilst restoring their honour.

"I knew that the Japanese team were warriors, and part of the thrill of coaching them is to be able to harness the Samurai spirit, but I can't get it through to them that this is taking it too far" said Kirwan.

Having to replace the majority of your squad every week or so is a daunting task, so when Japan took their only win of the Pacific Nations Cup, beating Tonga in June, Kirwan, and the team, were overjoyed.

"It was great not to have to learn any new names for a couple of weeks."

Special agreement has been reaching with the World Cup squad, with the players agreeing not to commit ritual suicide after each game; rather, they'll wait till they're eliminated from the tournament.

"It's the only compromise I could get out of them. They don't seem to understand how much progress Japan could make if they'd just keep playing and learning"

Japan World Cup Squad:
Forwards: Ryo Yamamura, Masahito Yamamoto, Tomokazu Soma, Tatsukichi Nishiura, Yuji Matsubara, Mitsugu Yamamoto, Hitoshi Ono, Takanori Kumagae, Luatangi Samurai Vatuvei, Luke Thompson, Takuro Miuchi (Captain), Yasunori Watanabe, Hajime Kiso, Hare Makiri, Philip O’Reilly, Takamichi Sasaki
Backs: Yuki Yatomi, Tomoki Yoshida, Eiji Ando, Kousei Ono, Shotaro Onishi, Nataniela Oto, Yuta Imamura, Koji Taira, Bryce Robins, Daisuke Ohata, Hirotoki Onozawa, Kosuke Endo, Christian Loamanu, Go Aruga

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Ireland 42 Bayonne 6: O'Driscoll in doubt for WC

Irish rugby fans were drunker than usual today following the injury to captain Brian O'Driscoll during their World Cup warm-up match with French club side Bayonne.
Whilst the result was beyond doubt by half time when the Irish led 20-6, O'Driscoll was punched by Mikaera Tewhata soon after the break, and was taken to hospital with a suspected broken jaw. If the initial diagnosis is confirmed, his place in the team will be in doubt with the first game, against Namibia, only 23 days away.

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Exclusive: Tuqiri and Dunning assigned chaperone

Emperor John O'Neill is not a man to be trifled with. So when he slapped a curfew and alcohol ban on 17-yeard olds Lote Tuqiri and Matt Dunning, they were left with no doubts about the consequences should they step out of line.

However Hayman's Beard can reveal today that the ARU have taken a further step, and assigned the dynamic duo a full-time chaperone.
Supernanny Jo Frost has signed with the ARU to supervise Tuqiri and Dunning until the end of the World Cup. Whilst no official comment was made regarding the signing, ARU insiders said that they expect Supernanny to be a key figure in keeping the two miscreants in line.

"There's little doubt that Supernanny has had an immediate impact. Twice already she's had Dunning on the naughty step at training for spitting, and Tuqiri has had to endure several "that is not acceptable behaviour" episodes after he refused to give the ball to the other players"

Neither Dunning nor Tuqiri were speaking about having Supernanny assigned to chaperone them day and night. When approached by reporters after a closed training session in Sydney, both players put their hands on their ears and ran off to the team bus screaming "la la la la la la".
Nanny Frost followed them and could be seen admonishing them on the bus shortly after.

We'll be following this story throughout the World Cup, as no doubt the biggest impact for the 2 players will be felt when they reach France, and they realise what a midnight curfew and booze-ban does to their social lives.

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Somerville's back: Better....stronger...faster...

After struggling through nearly a year of rehab for an achilles injury, All Black prop Greg Somerville was itching to play rugby again, and maybe, just maybe, work his way back into the black jersey. An accidental poke to the eye put paid to that, tearing his retina.

Yet when the selectors named their squad to take to the World Cup, a place was left blank for Somerville. He was given the chance he needed to prove his fitness, but just when things were going well, the eye injury brought the whole thing to a halt.

In a desperate attempt to prove he was fully fit, he began talks with leading surgeons from Europe, as well as robotic experts from Japan. Flying to Germany for the procedure, Somerville's left eye was removed and replaced with a bionic optical unit. It was only the third time the operation had been attempted, and in an effort to reduce recovery time the procedure was conducted without anesthetic.

Flying home the next day, Somerville, still bandaged, spoke of the risks he was taking.
"I spose it could have gone worse. Seems ok now, a little bit sore. No major."

When the bandages were removed 3 days later, doctors were amazed.
"He had perfect vision immediately. Other than some swelling around where the implant is fused to the skull, the operation is a complete success" said Doctor Weiner Schnitzelson, the German surgeon who performed the operation.

IRB rules meant that some of the advances features of the implant had to be removed, such as the Infra-Red and X-Ray options, as well as the laser cutting beam.

Regardless, Somerville was rewarded with confirmed inclusion in the squad that will travel to France. Whilst he says that some of his teammates have been giving him some stick over the eye, it doesn't worry him.
"I'm just happy to be playing again, even if I do make babies cry...more."

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Facial Hair of The Week: Carl Hayman's Twin

Holy deja vu Beardman!

A loyal reader, Dean Purcell, sent us through a pic of this week's Facial Hair of The Week. Certainly we were taken aback by the resemblance of Lyle Alzado to the great man himself, down to The Beard.

Further investigation unearthed some further surprising facts. Alzado was an NFL player who played for the Denver Broncos, Cleveland Browns, and LA Raiders throughout the 70's and 80's.

He was known for his intimidating style, and amassed various records and accolades as a Defensive End throughout his career, culminating in a Superbowl win in 1983 with the Raiders.

Later in life he admitted to steroid use which tainted his otherwise excellent career, and he died of brain cancer at the age of 43.

There are several analysts at Hayman's Beard who promote the theory that The Beard is some kind of symbiotic creature which bonds with those deemed worthy of greatness. Could The Beard of Hayman be a continuation of The Beard of Alzado? Unlikely, but stranger things have happened...

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France 12 England 15

Hayman's Beard made fun of England after their effort against Wales last week. Not because of their huge win over the hapless Welsh, but because of the manner of their victory. 10-man rugby is back, and doesn't it just make you want to kill yourself.
No one could accuse Hayman's Beard of not embracing the glorious battle of the forwards, of not understanding and respecting the intricacies of the scrum, the ruck, the maul. The Bearded One is himself a Master of this very art, and nothing is more pleasing to the eye than to see an All Black forward pack treating the opposition like the ginger kid from primary school.

But there is of course a key difference between the forward play of the All Blacks...or indeed the Springboks, the Pumas, or France.

And that is the understanding that the forwards operate as part of a unit. They are an element of a larger beast, a machine designed to dominate in all areas and win in commanding fashion.

As it stands, England have scurried back to their oft-lampooned style of old. The 10-man game is well and truly alive in international rugby.

Whilst Hayman's Beard would like nothing better than to see Sir Clive Woodward embarrassed publicly by the publication of secret photos of him doing something nasty with a goat, we also respect the fact that he understood the game, and at least had a desire to embrace a 15 man style.

Like most teams around the world, he strived to use the traditional English strength of powerful forward play as a foundation, a basis which gave a team options. No one would expect England to turn from their natural style of play, which demands forward dominance as a goal above all others.

However it seems that Brian Ashton and the others controlling the World Champions have panicked as the date when they will undoubtedly lose their crown approaches.

And when panic sets in, people naturally turn to the tried and true methods.

The match against France was, to be frank, boring as hell. Whilst the forward battle raged, English attempts at backline action were conducted with the same enthusiasm and belief as American attempts at diplomacy in Iraq.

England have signalled the retreat, and established His Majesty Jonny Wilkinson as the front line.

"Thou shall not send thine ball beyond His Majesty's divine boot, lest thy come undone through weak tackling and poor execution in thine midfield"

With Wilkinson being rested, many would have expected replacement Ronnie Barker to try everything to stamp his mark on the spot. There's little doubt that only death will keep Wilkinson from an English WC squad, so there would be little to lose in unleashing the English backs upon the French. You'd certainly enjoy the element of surprise, although that may work both ways...no doubt the wingers would question why they'd suddenly been given the ball. But Ronnie kept to the gameplan, and England attempted to steamroll the French as they did Wales a week ago. That it didn't work is testament to the effort of the French forwards, as there's no doubt England's pack is performing very well at present.

The frustration of not seeing their hard work pay-off seemed to tell on the World Champions, who weren't prepared for Sebastian Chabal's busting run to win the game.

With no time left to change the gameplan, it seems that the old England is well and truly alive, and coming to a TV near you.

How well will the old-school approach work at the World Cup remains to be seen, but for the health of the game we can only hope it fails miserably.

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